


Step into the Sun

by screwedupheads



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: After good for you, Evan and Zoe are together in this but that's not what's important right now, Gen, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Songfic, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, but aren't all musical fics songfics, i guess, this is just my take on the words fail portion of the musical
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-12-15 04:10:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11798097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/screwedupheads/pseuds/screwedupheads
Summary: It had been a week. One week since Connor's "suicide note" had been published for the world to see. One week since he had last talked to the Murphys as they were being bombarded with hate. One week since he had confessed and left with the worst apology possible.Evan had fucked things up beyond repair, he that the simple "It wasn't him, it was me. I'm sorry." he had used before running out of the house in a fit of panic wasn't going to cut it. The problem was, he didn't know what would cut it.





	Step into the Sun

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt
> 
>  
> 
> \--
> 
> anything with // // around it is stuff that Evan writes.

It had been a week. One week since Connor's "suicide note" had been published for the world to see. One week since he had last talked to the Murphys as they were being bombarded with hate. One week since he had confessed and left with the worst apology possible. 

Evan had fucked things up beyond repair, he that the simple "It wasn't him, it was me. I'm sorry." he had used before running out of the house in a fit of panic wasn't going to cut it. The problem was, he didn't know what would cut it. 

The days he did go to school involved him avoiding Zoe, escaping into bathrooms when things became too much, and being ignored by Jared and Alana. He deserved that, he knew they were better off ignoring his trainwreck of a life, he never expected them to care much in the first place.   
When he was home, he was cooped up in his room, only coming out when he knew his mother wouldn't be home or when it was absolutely necessary. His mother had barely been speaking to him, taking extra shifts at work and never bothering to leave notes on the kitchen table when she left like she used to. He deserved that too. How dare he basically leave his mother in the dust like that, just like... just like....

Everyone around him deserved an apology, everyone deserved so much better than him. But how was he supposed to apologize when he himself could barely face his emotions head first. Where would he even start?   
It was that cold night when Evan buried himself in his hoodie and the silence of his home that he decided that he couldn't deal with the quiet around him anymore. He had fix it at whatever cost.   
A letter started it, a letter could end it.   
He could barely see his keyboard when he began typing.   
He let out a bitter chuckle when he almost typed 'Dear Evan Hansen' out of pure habit.

He decided not to address his letter to anyone. 

 

//I never meant to make it such a mess.  
I never thought that it would go this far.   
So I just sit here sorry,   
Searching for something to say  
Something to say. //

He truly had no idea what to say. There aren't any words to describe how he felt. 

//Words fail.   
There's nothing I can say.//

It was lousy so far, but he chose to continue pushing forward. He needed to give them a why, why would he just but into their lives and lie like he did. 

//I guess I thought I could be part of this.  
I never had this kind of thing before,  
I never had that perfect girl  
Who somehow could see the good part of me.//

What good part? Was there ever any good part?

//I never had the dad who stuck it out.   
No corny jokes or baseball gloves.//

His dad had left because he couldn't deal with him. That truly was all Evan was; a burden.

//No mom who just was there  
'Cause mom was all that she had to be.//

This was pathetic. He didn't want to accept that this is why he'd allowed himself to grow so close to the Murphys, but an ache in his chest told him it was exactly why. 

//That's not a worthy explanation  
I know there is none.  
Nothing can make sense of all these things I've done.//

Evan was trying not to sob, he could feel his hands shaking as he typed.

//Words fail, words fail, I'm so sorry that there's nothing I can say.//  
He wished he could go back in time and change things.   
//Except sometimes, you see everything you wanted.  
And sometimes, you see everything you wish you had//  
Go back and never write that letter.  
//And it's right there in front of you//  
Go back and never even go to school that day  
//And you want to believe it's true, so you... make it true//   
Go back and climb that tree again.  
//And you think maybe everybody wants it//  
Go back and fall again.  
//And needs it... a little bit... too.//  
Go back and never be found. 

Evan could practically already feel the the hatred filled gazes that would take over their too kind faces upon reading the words he had just written. He wasn't sure anyone if he still wanted to be around to see those faces ever again.   
It was weak to think like this, but when had he ever been strong?   
He didn't deserve to carry on in this world, carry on and live when he didn't deserve to.

So he decided to Go Back.

He printed out his apology and signed his name on it, and set it on his desk. But he knew his mom wouldn't be around and awake til the next afternoon, and he needed to know that the Murphys would have an explanation before he left.

He dialed Zoe's number, praying for voicemail. 

"Evan?" He should've just texted her. She sounded tired. 

"Y-yeah," he said softly.

"What going on? Why are you avoiding me? What did you mean last week when you said that it was you not Connor?" She bombarded him, sounding more awake than a few seconds ago. 

"Listen, I-" He paused and gulped, composing himself, "I know I have a lot of explaining to do and I shouldn't have avoided you, and, and if you could just do me one favor everything will be explained, I promise," Evan squeezed his eyes shut, stopping the tears from falling again. There was a pause.

"What do you need?" Zoe said, her voice sounding controlled. 

"There'll be a letter on my desk tomorrow, when you get a chance to I need you to take it and read it. I won't be home. Try to come before my mom comes home though," He said, letting out a breath of air he didn't know he was holding in afterwards. 

"What's going on?" She repeated, sounding more worried. "What's the letter? Why won't you be home?" Evan didn't answer.  
"Please talk to me Evan, are you okay?" Evan wished he could answer. He heard Zoe shuffling around through the phone.

"I've never been that good with words... or talking... in general," Evan let out a sad chuckle. 

"Ev-"

"Please just, promise me you'll do it?" 

"Evan what are you-" 

"Please," Evan pleaded. 

"I promise," Zoe said with a sigh, she sounded close to tears. 

"Thank you. I'm sorry about everything," Evan said. More shuffling from Zoe's line. 

"Evan, I know you. Please talk to me,"   
Evan knew he wouldn't last much longer against her worried voice. He hated worrying her. 

"I love you. Bye, Zoe," He said after a short pause. 

"Ev-" He ended the call.

 

\---

 

It took him half an hour to get back to the park he worked in that summer. It was completely silent, and every tree seemed to loom over him. 

"They all hate you," he heard Connor whisper, suddenly walking beside him.   
"What does it matter?" Evan answered, "I'll be gone soon anyway." His nervous stutter seemed to be long forgotten.   
He saw Connor open his mouth to respond but Evan interrupted him. 

"This was just a sad invention, it wasn't real, I know." Evan said, looking down at the ground as he walked. 

"But we were happy," He said after a pause. He felt tears roll down his cheeks. 

"You fed them lies for so long," Connor said, voice far away. 

"I guess I couldn't let that go," Evan said,  "I guess I couldn't give that up."  
"How could you do that to them, to us?" Connor yelled, voices morphing into Zoe's at the end. 

"I guess I wanted to believe, 'cause if I just believe, then I don't have to see what's really there," Evan said through his tears with a strained voice. 

"Selfish" The voice was back to Connor's, spitting out the word like it tasted as horrible as it sounded. 

"No, I'd rather pretend I'm something better than these broken parts," Evan said, walked faster than Connor, wanting to find that tree. 

"No wonder they hate you now, you're a complete mess!" 

"Pretend I'm something other than  
this mess that I am," Evan muttered, agreeing with Connor. 

"'Cause then I don't have to look at it, and no one gets to look at it!" Evan said, voice breaking into a sob as he broke into a run, trying to get away from Connor. 

"Poor baby!" Connor mocked, voice still sound just as close. He just needed that tree.   
He heard other voices echoing around him, clips of things Jared and Alana and Zoe and his mom had said at some point.   
"Family friend. I'm only here for the car insurance. You play who you need to play. Does it cross your mind to be slightly sorry? I bet you used to know what that felt like, too!I don't need more reminders of all that's been broken. Is that good for you? IS THIS STILL GOOD FOR YOU?" the voices got louder and Evan ran faster.   
"No, no one can really see," he gasped out. The voices stopped completely when he found the tree. He stood there, looking up and down it. It looked like a monster in the dark. 

"What're you waiting for?" Connor whispered. 

"'Cause I've learned to slam on the brake, before I even turn the key," He said, closing his eyes. He began taking slow steps towards the tree. He could feel Connor's eyes on him, so he kept talking.   
"Before I make the mistake... before I lead with the worst of me." His eyes snapped open in surprise at his own sobbing.   
"I never let them see the worst of me!" he cried, backing up against the tree.   
"Why not?" Connor said, already knowing the answer.

"'Cause what if everyone saw?" Evan answered through a few hiccups, "What if everyone knew?"

"Would they like what they saw?" he said, already knowing the answer, "Or would they hate it too?" His sobbing had stopped. He felt a strange calmness fall over him. He turned back toward the tree.   
'Will I just keep on running away from what's true?' he thought. 

Connor chuckled behind him   
"Of course, that's all you've ever done," 

"All I ever do is run, so how do I step in," he paused to see that bit by bit light was appearing in the sky and on the tree tops.   
"Step into the sun?" Connor asked, finishing Evan's sentence and looking at the top of the tree. His words echoed in Evan's brain as he began to climb the tree. 

One foot after another. 

Step into the sun.

One branch then to another.

Step into the sun. 

He climbed higher and higher.

Step into the sun. 

Evan had climbed higher than he had last time. He could see the horizon. He could see the sun. 

"Step into the sun," he heard next to him. He turned and saw Connor sitting next to him. His face looked solemn, his voice full of resignation, and he looked more solid and real than he did before. He had a golden glow surrounding his figure.   
Evan reached out to touch him, but he disappeared in the blink of an eye, making the area around Evan darker than it was before. 

Evan looked down to see a hazy morning fog below him that he didn't notice before. He felt the air get warmer around him and he noticed that he was still wearing his sweatshirt. It looked strikingly similar to the hoodie Connor was wearing. He took it off and thought a little before dropping in into the fog below him.   
He didn't hear it hit the ground. That was the sudden realization of how high up he was. He could fall, he could jump. There wasn't any way he'd be able to climb any higher without falling. If he stayed on this branch long enough it'd probably snap eventually.   
It was time for him to stop letting things crash and fall apart on their own. If the only thing to do was go down, he'd have a say in it this time.   
He let himself scoot down the branch, now having less things to grab if it snapped.  
He swore he could see Connor hovering in front of him.   
He closed his eyes and felt warmth on his face from the sun. This was all he needed.   
He pushed himself off the branch a bit, fingers still gripping the bark. He sat there, leaning forward on a tree branch, too high off the ground. 

Then, he let go.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! I hope you enjoyed my take on words fail. I may add more to this, but for now this is a standalone fic. But be on the lookout!
> 
> There's a lot of symbolism and some weird formatting stuff so if any of this is hard to understand please let me know!! Thanks for reading, i appreciate each and every one of you. Remember that you are loved and important!!


End file.
